| I am one with the universe, or is the universe one with me? Do i flow through the universe, or does the universe flow through me? I strive to see the universe, or does it strive to see me? There are all these people that i feel are near me, and they all hurt inside, and i want to reach out and comfort them but when i extend my hand, they turn away. I feel that maybe i must be lacking, for if i was wasnt maybe i could help. perhaps only those who arent hurting can help? but i look inside to find my hurt to fix myself so i can fix others, but i find no hurt, i see scars..., but i feel no hurt, i just feel the love of my husband, and the numbness of the scars..., like the nerves were severed. but i am content, if not happy. if i have any point of reference for what happy looks like. but i try to tell the lonely that they are not alone. i try to tell the weakened that i can give them strength, i try to tell the broken, that all can be repaired. but sometimes words are just so hollow, so i try to be there, to lend a hand, to lend aid. but every time i reach out, im turned away. so i may be one with the universe, but the universe is not one with me. i have all these ploddings through life, all these motions i must take, to say that i am living my life. i go to work, i go to sleep, i walk and drive from place to place, i eat, i drink, i smoke my way, just to say im moving. through life. but that is not when i feel like i am living. i feel most like i am living from the oddest of ways, when im sitting next to my husband, with a no-good-reason smile on my face, when someone tells me news of another step forward i have figurativly taken in life, when news of a new hope arises, and i feel the path under my soul shift in a new direction. these baby steps of life that take months to take are when i feel alive, like i have accomplished something. even though some times i feel stagnant, waiting for word that another obstacle has been surpassed. the world stagnates me, trying to balk my every move and motivation. I feel like i am flowing through the universe, at my own sedate pace and in my own meandering way. but the universe is still objecting to my presence, and it doesnt flow through me. i strive to see the universe, and i strive for the universe to recognize me. |
